Thursday, March 31, 2011

Wow, how time flies

So, I'm blogging again.

There, I said it. I made it official and after I post this I'm going to let others know.

I'm making a commitment.

It's funny to see that it has been almost exactly two years since I last posted an entry. Ironically, it was Election Day that had inspired me that day and here I am, starting at another Election Day just around the corner. The first time we will elect a Mayor since my dad was re-elected four years ago.

Four years ago. How is that possible? For that matter, how have 2 years passed here?

Funny that I didn't seem to take my own advice. I know (and knew) that I needed to journal more. But doing it was just a commitment and let's be honest, I was in no place 2 years ago to commit to much. It's interesting to look back on those last few posts though and realize that although it seldom feels like it, I AM making progress on this crazy grief ride.

Oh, it's still a roller coaster. And this week has been full of some unexpected twists and turns. But I've felt my dad beside me through it all and when I doubted, he sent me little signs to remind me.

The major change in our life of course came in the form of sunshine... and the best kind of sunshine you could possibly get. Funny that I last posted about being so tired in the mornings... I didn't know it at the time, but of course there was a reason for that. Her name is Ainsley and she is my "rainbow" baby. (No offense intended to my friends who have lost babies as that term is generally reserved for them. In this case, I hope they'll understand my use of it.)

Had she been a boy, we had planned to name her Noah because she was the light after the storm. But the truth is, I always knew she was a girl. And it was a beautiful moment that cold January morning when she entered the world and proved me right. (More on Ainsley's birth to come in another post.)

In any case... here we are, back to another Election Day. Time moves on, whether we like it or not and whether we feel ready or not. I've been working on another person's campaign - someone I know my dad would support and feel very happy about. I find myself, these days, trying to maintain his legacy while foraging ahead with figuring out my own. Some days I find the balance. Others I don't. It's all ok.

I still miss my dad every single day. I am grateful for the people who have taken the time in the past few weeks - out of nowhere (and one of them was a stranger) to tell me they miss him too. They were worried about saying the words, didn't want to make me cry. Believe me, I'd rather shed a few tears and know I'm not alone. Some days, I still feel very alone.

I really am going to try to blog more. I've said it and committed to it, so there it is. I think I need it. And my life doesn't feel so stuck in grief anymore so I hope I can find interesting snippets to write about. We all have a "story" - and this is mine. Picked up from 2 years ago and moving forward. I think it's time.

Thanks for reading!


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